Thursday, December 4, 2008

Auto Manufacturers Repent, Beg Forgiveness

Didja hear? The corporate executive officers of the big three auto manufacturers are traveling to Washington D.C. via train, bicycle, and horse drawn carriage to ask Congress for money. They released a statement on Tuesday saying they recognize the error of their ways; that the earth cannot sustain producing more and more cars; that the marketing and de facto imposition of automobiles into everyday life for the last century has drastically altered every American city for the worse, and by extension, our health; that they're going to immediately cease production of the said machines, come what may, and encourage others to start building bike paths as well as rebuilding railroad tracks and barns.

Should Congress agree to send them the money, the CEOs of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler plan to redistribute the wealth to every low-wage employee affected by the collapse of the American auto-industry. In the words of General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner, "For generations, the titans of industrial capitalism have gotten fat off the labor of the common man and woman through ruthless exploitation and violence. Though this small token of wage-restitution does not make up for the centuries of working class people who've died in industrial accidents or wasted their lives away in factories, we feel it is a small but necessary step to right the wrongs perpetrated against humanity."

The remaining CEOs of Ford and Chrysler went on to apologize for the thousands of people who've died in car accidents, the smog that engulfs entire cities, and the insulting ads that equate driving with freedom.

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