Carbon Offsets, Me & Your Money

Hey Copenhagen! Car bombings in Iraq/Paki/Afghanistan, melting glaciers in the Arctic, and ice on the roof tops of this sunny little beach town I live in. Crazy times, eh? You know, there's been a lot of talk about carbon trading, carbon offsets, carbon credits, and whatnot. Some folks don't believe that planting a few trees in downtown L.A. makes up for all the diesel jet fuel burned by fat first world tourists traversing the globe to take pictures of places that their countries used to look like before they "developed" it; some folks are skeptical that investing in a wind turbine farm in Oregon can make up for the blowing up of an entire mountain in West Virginia just for some lousy, dirty coal, and a few hundred jobs. Some folks say it's too late to turn back the tide and industrial societies will simply keep burning fossil fuels until there's none left to burn. I say screw all that.

You CAN make a difference in slowing down climate change and the way to do that is to pay me. If you're tired of those pesky impersonal carbon offset front groups supported by the likes of Al Gore, and wanna help out a real flesh and blood human being attempting to reduce his carbon footprint, pay me. If you're sick of those generic letters boasting about how your money can go to support Greenpeace banner drops at climate summits or Peruvian basket weavers, and just wanna help a guy afford some decent panniers, start sending your money my way asap.

I sold my car years ago and ride a bike daily, even on cold ass days like this where anyone in their right mind would never leave the house. I tend a garden, chickens, own a rain water barrel, and a tuning fork for my instruments as I don't wanna purchase batteries for an electric tuner cuz' batteries have lithium and mercury in them or something. I've stopped using paper towels and dry my hands on my hair/clothes/or just wave them around in the air. I worm compost practically everything, thereby preventing landfill overuse. I even go so far as to pocket compostable materials and/or recyclable materials when proper disposable facilities are not available. I try to pee outside whenever possible. Yeah, I do a lot of utterly ridiculous things to try and "make a difference" and it's high time my efforts got subsidized.

So send me money. I tend to eat more food than my co-workers who drive and it gets expensive. I also wear out shoes a lot more often as I tend to go on nature walks, ride a bike, and do other outdoor activities whenever possible. It's freakin' cold outside these days and I need some wool sweaters, shirts, or gloves. I also need a haircut, bike tubes, a massage, and an accordion that works. You may be asking - what about other tools for sustainable living like a wheel barrel or solar panels? I'm one step ahead of ya. Because sustainable living isn't just about the reduction in energy consumption but also about owning less material possessions, when it comes to wheel barrels and the like, I simply "borrow" from my neighbors when they're not home. As for solar panels - yeah, I could definitely use a whole bunch of those.

Who knows? If enough of ya'll start sending me dollars (I'd prefer Euros), I might be able to go full time w/ this sustainable living gig and stop working for the man all together. In return, I'll do my part to not shop for frivolous things, grow my own food, brew my own beer, organize fruit tree picking expeditions, and generally spit in the face of every greedy capitalist swine whenever possible. No time to waste! The earth is in dire straits! Pay me!